Pregnancy Test...Today's the Day...

So today's the day...got my blood drawn for a pregnancy test an hour and a half ago.

Then went back to my car and bawled my eyes out.

I'm scared that I'm not pregnant, because I really don't think we can go through any more fertility treatments. 

And, I'm scared I AM pregnant, because what if another baby is too much? What if I've ruined everything?

Clearly, I am a crazy person.

The lab down here seems to take FOREVER to run tests...I don't expect to hear anything until the end of the day.

This whole thing sucks. I hate infertility so much.

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: 13 Months

Hi Hi Hi! 

Today Mommy said I could tell you all about our last month. It was our first month in Albuquerque, and we had so much fun, although I've overheard Mommy saying unpacking and setling in has been hard. But Daddy keeps her on schedule and things are pretty much put together. They got our swing up the very first day, so we're happy!

I have this thing about teddy bears lately. I've got four or five little ones, and any one will do. I grab them and hug them, laugh and smile. Mommy and Daddy always put me to bed with a Teddy and a Back-up Teddy, just like they put Luke to bed with a paci and a back-up paci.

Grammy and Grandpa were here with us the first few days...that was fun! Grammy has taught me how to blow kisses and what to do when she says "Zoey, can you look up at the ceiling?"

We're such big kids when it comes to eating now. We eat like crazy! One of our favorite things is cuties (you know, those little oranges), although Bubs just sucks the juice out and throws the rest on the floor...Daddy says he is a cutie vampire. We feed ourselfs (with what Mommy says is mixed results). If the meal's potentially going to be really messy, we strip down to our diapers first:

Bubs likes to put his foot up on the table and kick back sometimes:

And Easter happened during the past month! We put on the cool outfits Mommy's friend Jane gave to Mommy and Daddy at their baby shower. Mommy made waffles and Daddy made cheese and ham and green chile grits for breakfast (which Mommy said were actually pretty good...Mommy doesn't usually like grits.) AND we each got a chocolate bunny! All I can say is, yum! Mommy watched me take my first few bites and said "A chocoholic is born," whatever that means. (Oh and Mommy wants me to tell yu we only got a few bites of bunny in one sitting, not the whole thing.)

So that's it! We are so excited for warmer weather and to get outside and to explore our city and play on the weekends now that Mommy and Daddy don't have to spend all their time unpacking.

Love,

Zoey

Cool Stuff on the Intranet

I leisurely poked around the Internet yesteday while on bed rest, something I almost never do anymore. (So fun!) A few things especially resonated with me...thought I'd share...

"Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

--Ida Scott Taylor (via Creature Comforts)

"Let the day know more

than you. Say it is raining.

Say there is a tree. Though it does

not keep you dry, there is a swing

hidden in the branches within reach.

Swing. Though you are drenched,

my god, it is fine to swing."

--Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer (via A Hundred Falling Veils)

And this clothing line...oh, I want to fill my closet full of these clothes (and the accompanying photos are so dreamy and pretty): Sundry Clothing (via Tomboy Style)

And these pictures of San Francisco...1) They me soooooo homesick for California, and 2) Make me wish I could take pictures like this. Make me want to devote time to learning how to take pictures that rival these... (via sfgirlbybay)

XOXO

Image Credit: Sundry Clothing.

FET Update, + Feeling Some Sadness and Anger About Infertility

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

At my brother's in the Colorado mountains, in the house where I grew up, on bed rest after my FET. Flew into Denver Monday night in the middle of a massive snowstorm, my brother came to pick me up which I was so grateful for...I was going to rent a car because I didn't want to impose more than I already was but he and his lovely girlfriend insisted that it was no big deal to take me to/from the airport and I'm so glad they did because a cheap rental car + a foot of snow probably wouldn't have been a very good idea.

Monday night I-70 to get out of town and into the mountains was a parking lot, and i had to have a progesterone shot (intramuscular, in the fanny), so we pulled over at I-70 and Pecos, which is not the best part of town, I pulled my pants down a little and my brother gave me the shot in the 7-11 parking lot...went off without a hitch but yeah, imagine trying to explain that to the police...

FET went wonderfully, they said the one embryo thawed perfectly and the transfer itself was quick and smooth. I slept a good chunk of yesterday so didn't sleep so well last night, it's snowing again here and just beautiful, the whole world is like a black-and-white photo outside...will be lovely to have a day to just relax although bed rest is kind of physically uncomfortable (why is it when you're told you can't sleep on your stomach that that's absolutely all you want to do?). I have some pineapple and cheese and crackers for snacks and I'm sure Ben and his girlfriend will make me a lovely dinner tonight, like they did yesterday. So great to be with my brother. So hard not to be living in the same place as him but we all make the effort to visit each other so it's going to be OK. Feeing so incredibly homesick for Colorado being back here, though.

Anyway, I find out on the 25th--a week from tomorrow--if I am pregnant or not. I (obviously) hope so so so so incredibly much that this FET works. If not, we may try once more, we may not...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Going through fertility procedures again has been extraordinarily difficult, mostly because I feel like I have to totally give up who I am, I don't feel like myself at all--between being on all these drugs, not being able to exercise, gaining weight and not being able to wear a lot of my clothes, dying my hair back to its natural dark color because I'm not comfortable doing highlights during pregnancy, not getting a mani/pedi because I'm suspicious of nail polish, too, not being able to go out on a Saturday night and have a beer or two with my husband--all that's hard. I feel frumpy and housebound. Totally worth it if this ends up with us having a baby. But the odds I've been given are 50/50 and it's hard to think I've potentially gone through all this/put my body through all this for nothing. Not sure I have it in me to do it again. If I could get pregnant naturally there's no question in my mind about us having a third child, but this is my SIXTH IVF procedure and it's just so, so hard to go through this, I had forgotten how hard.

Going through fertility procedures again--it's also brought to the forefront some of the anger and sadness of having to go through this at all, and the loss that not getting to just get pregnant and have babies like everyone else is for me. I am both unspeakably grateful for what has allowed us to have children, and sad and angry about what risks I've had to put my body through, all the money this has cost (and all the insane hours I've worked to pay for it), the years and years of incredible sadness I've lived through...everyone wants me to just be positive...I'm supposed to be positive and look at the gifts this all has given me, right? But instead I'm sad and mad, and I want it to be OK to be sad and mad, and not have everyone tell me I should be grateful, I should buck up and focus on the bright side of things. 

One step, one day at a time, though. Nothing to be done these next eight days but rest and see how things turn out. We can make decisions about possibly trying again (or not) after. 

I've been putting my hand on my belly, talking to this precious baby inside of me that already feels so real...we're (my husband and I) scared a little to have a third, I mean, will we have the time and energy and resources to make it work? But I know we will. I know it will be lovely and amazing and we won't be able to imagine life without this baby. That will make this whole fertility thing worth it. That's what I have to remind myself. I'm not going through all this for nothing. I'm going through it for another baby. Or, if that doesn't happen, to be able to look back and say, at least we tried...it wasn't meant to be, but at least we tried...

XOXO

Dear Luke and Zoey: Moving Day

Dear Luke and Zoey,

We moved to our new home in Albuquerque middle of March, on your first birthday, in fact.

It was a beautiful warm sunny day and we had tons of help, with professional movers and Grammy and Grandpa and Grandma Charlotte (your grandmas helped watch you and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned for us...the house was, unfortunately, filthy when we got it). Your Grandpa Steve got us a flag to hang out front...such a nice gift...and made sure the dogs got out and exercised. We had some new-to-us furniture delivered (including the blue velvet couch below, isn't it cool?), cable hooked up, all the normal moving things.

Moving is hard! It's almost a month later and we're still not quite done (although all the boxes are emptied at this point). This house will definitely be an ongoing project due to time and money restraints, we're going to be paying for things as we go. But we have such great plans for this house, and I love that your first memories will most likely be here.

Love,

Your Mommy