Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!
I've been trying to write a blog post all week, but I feel myself kind of muzzled lately, like if I don't have anything good to say I shouldn't say anything at all. Or, I try to write a post about the good in my life, and it just feels funny, like I'm pretending everything is fine when it's not.
The truth is, there is good and bad right now.
The bad being just overwhelming sadness about Hunter (not all the time, but when it hits it's really hard to handle), and, worse, flashback-y kind of stuff (PTSD?) to the worst moments of what we went through, just playing it over and over in my mind. Also, my anxiety about Luke and Zo is through the roof. In general, I think I'm still acting normal, getting out and about with them etc., but in my head I am constantly worried that something bad (essentially, them dying) is going to happen. And feeling like if I am vigilant enough, I can keep it from happening. It's not normal. And also and related, work is really, really busy, and I always get into all sorts of weird mental stuff when I am overworked.
But the good...there is also so much good, like my husband and my parents and my friends, especially my best friend who has a knack for calling me up and saying the exact right thing. My children are a joy, pretty much 24/7 (minus the occasional temper tantrum). It's good I have work. We've been doing fun stuff like the pumpkin patch and the Balloon Fiesta and Santa Fe for our anniversary last weekend and my parents were here to visit and that was lovely. Also my husband usually keeps us on a pretty tight budget, but we've been spending some money lately, mostly on fixing up the house, which has been really fun. And, I started working out again and it's good to start to feel stronger, although I have a long way to go to get back to normal. I'm making friends here. I'm sleeping most nights. I'm spending mornings with my kids, despite my heavy workload. Snowboarding season is coming and I can probably go this year. Etc. Etc.
My guess is it's going to be good and bad for a while.
Hating the bad parts, though...I know it's not always going to be this bad, but it sucks to be in the middle of it...
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week. :)